Tales From The Library
by turbomagnus
Summary: A collection of 'Buffy: The Vampire Slayer' drabbles too short for their own stories.
1. Glasses

Summary: Xander Harris expected a lot of things, but having to get glasses was never one of them. S2, semi-AU, pre-C/X.

Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all associated characters and situations are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"Glasses"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

It was the end of the world and he couldn't blame the supernatural or even make jokes about a certain R.E.M. song. He wasn't the type to tease or mock others, not unless they'd said or done something really stupid so they deserved it, but he had a certain image to maintain. Now that image was lost forever thanks to getting knocked out by a demon, taken to the hospital by the others, and the doctors deciding to call in an eye specialist who made the grim pronouncement after finishing their examination...

There had been a lot of fancy medical terms, Latin-sounding ones that he couldn't make any sense out of, but they all boiled down to one fact. He was near-sighted. Beyond a few feet, less than it should have been, everything started turning into fuzzy shapes and blobs of color. Ultimately, what it meant was that he, Xander Harris, had to have glasses. Hawai'ian shirts and loose pants were one thing, he chose to wear those, they were a fashion statement - and in his head he could almost hear Sunnydale High's own 'Queen C' Cordelia Chase making a comment about that statement being he had no taste in fashion. Being made to wear glasses, however, was something entirely different. He had no choice in the matter and resistance was futile, he was being assimilated into the 'nerd' collective. If he didn't watch himself, he'd end up carrying more pens and pencils than anyone would ever need and enjoying classes, he was sure.

Actually, except for the glasses problem, that described some people he knew when he actually thought about it. Even more since she'd learned there was more things to learn about than computers and math, for that matter. That and the way she seemed to be closer to the Buffster these days was part of the reason he and Willow were growing apart lately, though neither of them had ever actually talked about it. It made him wonder if things would have been any different if Jesse had lived or if he'd have ended up losing him too over time. The only bright spot in the day was that he'd gotten to go home and didn't have to stay in the hospital; hospitals were like mausoleums with better lighting, and he'd been in enough of the second over the last few months to know for that matter.

"There you are!" A female's voice called out, frustration clear in her tone.

In that moment, Xander knew that every old saying, no matter how cliche it was, about no matter how bad things were they could always get worse had to be true. Of all the people he wanted to deal with right now, Cordelia Chase came in somewhere between the missing link between man and troll - otherwise known as Principal Snyder - and the G-Man at his most British. Still well above either of his parents, Deadboy or the Deadboy fangirls otherwise known as Willow and Buffy, though.

Yeah, he was still more than a little bitter over that lap-dance stunt that the Slayer had pulled. That, however, had no immediate bearing on the situation for better or worse. Even then the thought still managed to make it across his mind that sometimes it was easier to deal with Cordelia at her worst than putting up with Buffy at her best. At least Cordelia didn't act so offended when he gave as good as she did during a disagreement, she actually almost seemed to enjoy it at times; the 'Buffster' always wanted to act like someone who didn't agree with her had broken some kind of cosmic law or something, especially lately.

During all these thoughts, Cordelia had been approaching and as soon as she was within a reasonable range, Xander decided to fire the first proverbial shot, "Cordelia. To what do I owe the honor?"

Cordelia smirked and brushed some hair back over her shoulder, "You should feel honored, trust me."

"After the last couple years, I'm not even sure I trust myself," after all, he wouldn't say it out loud, but there had to be something wrong with him that he stuck around for the verbal and emotional abuse that he took from everyone.

"With the kind of clothes you wear, I wouldn't trust you either," Cordelia remarked, then her expression turned devilish. "Though it seems there's finally an explanation for that monsterousness. I always knew you had to be blind to dress like that."

Xander sighed in pained expectation, "I should have known... Come to mock me some more? Maybe call me 'four-eyes' to go with the old standby of 'dweeb'?"

"God, you're such an ass, Harris. I was actually going to say that - unlike those god-awful Hawai'ian shirts - those frames actually look half-way decent, even on you. They almost could make you look handsome, in a 'Clark Kent rips off the shirt and there's Superman' kind of way, with a little more work. But you know what? Forget it, I'll go compliment someone else instead."

"Was there a compliment in there? I really couldn't tell..."

"Like I said - ass."

Xander couldn't stop himself, "Oh, you've been looking?"

As soon as the words were out, he knew that his mouth was going to get him killed. If Cordelia was smart, she'd stab him in the neck with a barbecue fork when she was done, it'd be the perfect way to hide the murder since no one would look twice at that 'cause of death' in Sunnydale. Xander just hoped that, whatever had happened to his body, Jesse's soul was somewhere nice and ready for some company, because with the way Cordelia was glaring, he was sure he was going to be joining his old friend shortly. Whatever he was expecting to happen - which he was sure would most likely be violent or at least filled with scathing remarks - it wasn't what happened.

What happened was that Cordelia shook her head before she spoke, "Why do you think I hate your 'fashion nonsense', Mister Kent?"

Xander stood there, staring in a mixture of confused surprise and pure disbelief.

 _'Okay,'_ he finally managed after a few seconds to form a solid thought. _'The doctors were wrong, there's no problem with my eyes... it's my ears that aren't working right anymore.'_

Without waiting for any further response, Cordelia turned and walked away, pausing for only a moment to look back over her shoulder and wink.

"Okay, if I think I saw that, I definitely need glasses..." Xander muttered out loud as he watched the retreating feminine form, "Or at least contacts."

-o0O0o-

Author's Note: I really have no honest clue where the idea for this story came from...


	2. How You Die

Summary: After the incident with Billy 'Ford' Fordham, Xander finds himself comparing Buffy's dead friend to a late classmate...

Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all associated characters and situations are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"It's How You Die"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

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Too many people confused 'intelligence' with 'wisdom' and that confusion frequently led them to draw the wrong conclusions about people, places and situations. They considered themselves above others because of how much they knew, never considering that they lacked the ability to apply that knowledge to real-world situations instead of theories and simulations. It never occurred to them that those same others, despite a narrower knowledge base, might be smarter overall because they could use what they knew better.

Contrary to what people believed because of his grades, Xander Harris was not an idiot; his was 'street smarts', 'common sense'. Maybe he couldn't tell someone what the atomic weight of gold was or multiply that number by how many feet were in a mile, but he knew that silver was better against werewolves anyway and could run that mile faster than plenty of other people could. The problem with being street smart in a world that promoted book smarts was that people tended to ignore what the street smart had to say or what they thought. Lately, Xander had found himself thinking about the mess that had been caused thanks to Buffy Summers having no skepticism when it came to people she liked and what that led to when one of her old friends from Los Angeles had shown up knowing about vampires. It had almost cost all of them, even her, plus a whole lot of idiot 'civilians' their lives when that old friend was willing to trade an entire club full of people to the vampires if he got turned into one himself in return. Idiot thought becoming a vampire was like getting eternal life, especially since he had cancer it turned out, and refused to believe that even if his body ended up undead, he was just as dead as a person as he'd be from the cancer.

Xander supposed that what had happened to the closest thing he'd had to a brother, his best friend, and then encountering the creature that had stolen Jesse MacNally's body had given him some definite opinions on vampires and none of them were good ones. Honestly, Billy Fordham disgusted him. Not just because of what he was willing to do, sell out dozens of people - including a 'friend' - in an attempt to save his own hide, but because he'd given up. He'd decided to take the easy way out, sell his soul and give his body to a demon, instead of going down fighting. Xander kind of hoped that somewhere in Hell the guy was getting a good beat-down; not like someone else he knew.

Morgan Shay, now there was a guy; even though Xander had only known him personally for a few days, the other teen had quickly become one of his favorite people. Xander was 'street smart', not 'book smart', he didn't really know what the difference between cancer and a brain tumor was, just that they both killed a person. What he did know, though, was the difference between Billy Fordham and Morgan Shay. Fordham had done everything he could trying to run away from death, no matter who else would have to pay the price in his place; Morgan had decided that if he was going to die then he'd make his last days mean something, make a difference while he still had the chance. When that demon hunter that was trapped in the puppet's body offered Morgan the opportunity to help him find the last member of the demon group he was hunting, Morgan had taken it with both hands.

Morgan had died, but he'd died so that others could live, he'd died so that the last demon could finally be found and dealt with. Xander hoped like hell - and the fact that Sunnydale, it turned out, was on the Mouth of Hell itself made that concept strangely appropriate - that he'd have the guts to go out the same way when his own time came. He hoped that Jesse had gone out the same way, making that bloodsucking bitch work for it.

It all made Xander wonder; what was the difference, what made one person go out fighting and another person willing to sell their soul to cling to life? He didn't know the answer, probably would never know the answer, he wasn't even sure any 'wise' or 'intelligent person or any person at all ever could know the answer. What he did know was that between the two, he'd take Morgan over Fordham any day and if there was any justice in the universe they were both getting what they respectively deserved in the afterlife...


	3. Cordelia's Calling

Summary: What if Cordelia had been Called instead of Buffy? One-Shot, implied potential C/X.

Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all associated characters and situations are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"Cordelia's Calling"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

Unlike his best friend, Xander Harris didn't have dreams about being accosted by the 'Queen C' of Sunnydale High, Cordelia Chase, so he definitely never expected it to happen in real life. If anyone were to wonder why a Freshman had become the Queen of the school and head of the popular crowd, her family had millions of explanations for it, most of them sitting in the bank. It was easy to be popular when your family was the wealthiest in town.

For his part, Xander was from the other side of the tracks. Though considering Sunnydale's size, the 'other side of the tracks' wasn't really that far from the 'right side of the tracks', especially if one knew that the threesome of Xander, his best friend Jesse MacNally and their best friend-who-is-a-girl - but not 'girlfriend' - Willow Rosenberg had once been a quartet with Cordelia 'Cordy' Chase as the fourth. Those days, however, had ended back in third grade with a milkshake spill and a bloody nose. Which meant that it had been about six years since Xander had last been grabbed by the arm and dragged anywhere by Cordelia, so the fact that it was happening - and that she was dragging him along so easily - was a surprise. He just wasn't sure it was a pleasant one, even if it did remind him of younger - and, dare he even think it, happier - days.

Finally, after she had dragged him out behind Sunnydale High into the area between the dumpsters and the janitor's entrance where the 'bad elements' usually hung out when they weren't doing bad element stuff, Cordelia let go of Xander's arm and turned to face him.

"Okay, two things; one, don't couples usually go behind the bleachers or something? Not that we're a couple or anything," Xander covered his metaphoric rear quickly before the brunette could even think to lose her temper with him. "And, you know, two, why me? I mean, I know Jesse wouldn't care where you dragged him as long as you were the one dragging him, cave-girl."

"I need help," Cordelia's admission slightly stunned him for a moment.

"Why come to me?"

"Simple, when I think of ridiculous, unrealistic and annoying, you're one of the first people that come to mind... and the first one that doesn't also make me sick instead of just annoyed, and that includes your creep-o buddy," the brunette informed him as she stooped down to pick something up off the ground, what it was he wasn't sure.

"I'm honored, impressed, flabbergasted, shocked, stunned, amused..." Xander pursed his lips thoughtfully, "Sorry, can't seem to think up any other terms at the moment."

"Don't be such a dweeb, dweeb," Cordelia almost snarled the words.

"Touchy..."

"Touchy, huh?" Cordelia looked him right in the eye before holding up a metal bar, assumably the object she'd picked up, "Mind explaining this?"

Then she bent it into a loop and dropped it back to the ground.

Xander blinked and gave the first answer that came to mind, "You're revealing your secret identity as Wonder Woman?"

He managed a split second to damn his own mind for coming up with the image of Cordelia wearing the Amazon champion's classic outfit before she grabbed his arm and started twisting it.

"Mind, gutter, out, dweeb," Cordelia commanded in an unhappy growl as he started to whimper slightly.

"Arm, hurting, stop, please," he managed to get out through the pain.

"Then start coming up with answers!" She snapped as she released him. Even without her trying to shove him, the action caused him to stumble backwards from the unintentional force behind it.

"How should I know any answers! I don't even know what's going on; well, except that I don't think you're the kind to take steroids... ow..." Xander answered, rubbing his sore arm. "At least not knowingly... did your cook introduce any new recipes or your personal trainer insist on a new energy drink lately, anything like that? Ow, again, by the way..."

"Not happening, my dietician monitors my menus way too closely for the first to ever happen without knowing well ahead of time," Cordelia huffed, folding her arms in frustration.

"...And your personal trainer?"

"He trains both me and Mother, so she'd be having the same..." the brunette frowned for a moment, "...problem, but she's not."

"If she was, would she tell you?" Xander asked rhetorically, an eyebrow raised as if to say 'I don't think so'.

"Okay, you might have a point there at least," Cordelia grudgingly admitted. It wasn't like it was a massive secret that she had a closer relationship with her parents' money than with her parents themselves. For that matter, they had a closer relationship with their money than with each other, now that she thought about it.

"Since there's not been a news report about a sudden outbreak of She-Hulks, I guess it's not in the water, either," Xander remarked.

"Great, now if we could get away from what it's not and start figuring out what the hell it is that's happening to me, that'd be twice the great," Cordelia snapped annoyed that the dweeb was bringing his geek-isms into her problems.

"Hey, you came to me," Xander reminded her with a hint of his own annoyance. "That means you have to pay the costs, including geek-isms and mind-in-the-gutter."

The girl with him rolled her eyes, "I don't know if any help is going to be worth that..."

Xander looked at her in a mixture of amusement, pity and disbelief, "Would you prefer getting dragged off to a government testing facility to be dissected so they can try to duplicate whatever happened to you and create an army of super-soldiers?"

"Uh..." Cordelia grimaced, "Would they put me back together again? Properly, I mean, like with a good plastic surgeon instead of some emergency room meatball surgeon?"

"Cordy..." Xander couldn't keep from groaning, "You'd be dead."

"Yeah, that would be bad, I guess." Cordelia frowned, "I'm not sure what that would do to my lifetime subscriptions to _Runway_ , _Fashion_ and The ' _Lipstick of The Month'_ Club."

"Do I look like Harmony or Blue?" Xander asked in frustration. "I don't need the queen bee-airhead act, Cordelia."

The glare he recieved in response was enough to tell him both that she wasn't happy with him calling her a 'queen bee-airhead' and that she'd try not to let 'Queen C' out any more until they had some kind of clue what was going on.

"So, since we now know that I don't have the first clue what's going on since you shot down my 'Amazon Princess' theory, what's the next step?" He asked, relaxing slightly.

"I can't believe I'm actually about to say this," Cordelia's nose wrinkled in disgust, "But maybe there's something in the school library about this... whatever this is that's going on."

"The school library, you mean the creepy school library with way too many books on weird stuff for a high school to have?" Whether he'd liked it or not, Xander had ended up browsing the shelves while Willow was in there and he and Jesse were waiting on her to find whatever books she wanted; some of the titles read like the horror movie section down at the local video rental place.

"I heard from Daddy that the new British librarian who the school board hired last year donated most of those himself. So wrong... Nobody should have that many books on ghosts and monsters, except goth-wannabes that think they're some kind of 'creatures of the night' and shop for makeup at the office supply store," Cordelia added that last part with an annoyed grimace.

"So... are you saying they're worse than my shirts?" Xander asked.

"God of Shopping, forgive me for this; but, yes, Xander, there actually are things in this world worse than those dumpster-reject shirts of yours."

"I'm tempted to have that carved into a plaque, complete with date, and bronzed."

"Oh, good, then I can hit you over the head with it," Cordelia clenched her teeth in frustration.

"If I were Jesse, he'd make a comment about 'you only hurt the one you love', so that'd be proof that you really loved him," Xander observed almost without thinking about it.

"Which is why I came to you and not him, dumbass!" Cordelia swore, causing Xander's eyes to widen slightly.

"Do your parents know you're using that kind of language, Cordelia Chase?"

"With everything that's going on right now, you really think I care what my parents would think of my language? Dumbass!" Cordelia repeated the term angrily.

There was really only one thing that Xander could say, a very sarcastic, "'Yes, dear'."

He was pretty sure he was going to have a bruise on his arm the next morning, where she had punched him after that, but at least it wasn't broken... Cracked maybe, but he didn't think it was broken.

-o0o-

For most schools, the creepiest, most foreboding room would be the Principal's office - or the Vice Principal's, depending on who handled discipline - or maybe the cafeteria, but at Sunnydale High, it was easily the school library and no one could really figure out why that was so. All anyone knew was the the library was somewhere to be avoided at all costs and, if against all odds had to be visited, should have any business there completed and the place gotten out of as quickly as possible.

"This is the scene in the horror movie where someone comes up behind the heroes and startle them, then when they turn around to yell at their friend who did it, the real horror comes up from the direction they were just facing," Xander rambled as they walked down the empty hall, most students having actually gone to their homerooms and first period classes, leaving them in the hall alone for the moment.

"I'd tell you to shut up and stop being an idiot-geek, but..." Cordelia looked around them and inhaled slowly, "But considering my current situation, I'm almost afraid you could actually be right about something and this would - God help me - be it..."

"Please don't agree with me, especially about this," Xander responded with a grimace. "I always thought us agreeing on anything now-days would cause the end of the world and right now; super-powered Cordy Chase, creepy feelings in the school hallways, the end of the world seems way too close to the truth..."

There was a part of her that really wanted to agree with him on that factor too, but the way he was talking to her struck a nerve, "Shut up and stop being an idiot-geek."

"I ramble when I'm afraid, deal with it."

"Sure..." Cordelia held up a fist, "I'll just do that by breaking your jaw, how about that?"

Xander let out a quick huffing sigh as he realized that they had reached their destination while talking, "Oh, I've never been so glad to see a library before, even this one..."

"You've seen libraries before?" Cordelia asked, trying to get in one last cut.

"Yeah, waiting for Wills to come out of them," Xander answered, causing Cordelia to clench her teeth and push the door open hard enough for it to slam against the wall behind it on her way in.

Inside the library, from the way the door slammed open and a teenage girl stormed in behind it, the librarian was left to conclude that the person whom on he had been waiting had finally seen fit to arrive.

"Uh, um, property destruction is strongly against the school rules," he informed her, trying to sound stern and commanding to establish himself in the leadership role early on.

"I'll keep that in mind in case I get the urge to burn down the gym or something," Xander quipped as he entered the room behind Cordelia, glancing to the side as the door closed behind him to take in the cracked sheetrock where it had hit the wall. It crossed his mind that it would probably be a good idea to keep Jesse far away from his crush for a while, lest he be crushed himself.

"I say!" The librarian pulled a small cloth from his jacket pocket and removed his glasses to begin polishing them furiously.

"Yeah, whatever you say," Cordelia flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Where do you keep the reference books on weird things in this place, anyway?"

"Still say that for spontaneously developing super-strength, the comic book shop would probably be a better resource," Xander remarked.

"Yes, well, this is-is something that needs to-to be discussed on a one-to-one basis, for lack of a-a better term," the librarian answered.

"I stay, he stays; he goes, I goes, Crumpet-man," Cordelia snapped. "Him I trust, even if I don't like him, you? Not with the knowing, not with the trusting."

"Especially not since that sounded way too like an adult male trying to get a teenage girl alone in private," Xander folded his arms and his face hardened. Strangely enough, it reminded Cordelia of her father's expression the last time he'd learned she'd gone over her limit on her credit cards. "Do terms like 'abuse of power' and 'attempted statutory rape' sound like anything you recognize, Brit-man?"

That was enough to have the librarian stammering so badly that no words could be heard, only random sounds as he tried and failed to respond. Xander merely lowered his head slightly and raised his eyebrows in an unspoken challenge. After a few moments of attempted intimidation that didn't seem to affect the young man, the librarian finally submitted and sighed in resignation.

"I see," said the librarian, though seeing didn't mean he liked or even approved of the situation. However, there was always the consideration of having the boy removed later on if it was needed. Decision made, the librarian reached under the counter and lifted out an obviously old book, "I believe this is what it is for which you are looking."

Almost ceremoniously, he laid it on the counter so that the two teens could see the one word printed on the aged leather cover; ' _Vampyr_ '.

-o0O0o-

Author's Note: And Fade To Black! I _do not_ plan on continuing this. It's simply an idea of what would happen based on the concept that floats around the internet about the similarities between Hemery High Buffy and Sunnydale High Cordelia and how Cordy could just as easily been a Potential and Called. If you really want more, simply imagine what the movie might have been like with Cordy, Xander and Giles in Sunnydale instead of Buffy, Pike and Merrick in LA, but I don't plan on writing it...


	4. I Kissed A Dweeb

Summary: How did Cordelia handle it when she regained her senses after the first time she and Xander kissed?

Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and all associated characters and situations are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy, used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"I Kissed A Dweeb"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

It didn't matter what some moldy books or vague prophecies might say or what weirdo-girl Summers might do to prevent world-endings, it was the apocalypse. She, Cordelia Chase, had actually kissed Xander Harris. It wasn't a quick peck either; in terms of steamboats it had probably been the entire United States Navy, a full-fledged tonsil inspection where time was lost track over and hands started to wander. The worst part wasn't that she'd kissed the Dweeb. No, the worst part was that like that orphan in the story, Andy or Ollie or whatever their name was, she just kept thinking about it and all she could think was 'please, sir, I want some more'.

Who knew that always-running mouth of his could kiss so well? For that matter, who the hell knew that he had a body like that hidden under those hideous Hawai'ian shirts? They were just things that didn't seem like they should go together... like a paisley skirt and striped blouse, it just didn't fit when someone thought about it. But, oh, did it ever work when it was done right.

It was enough to turn her entire world upside down, she hadn't just kissed a Dweeb. She kissed a Dweeb and she thought she liked it. In fact, she thought she wanted to do it again. Something was definitely wrong with her and there wasn't a single person she could talk to about it safely. She knew she could try talking to the Dweeb, but the second he started talking, she was afraid she'd start looking at his lips and she had a bad idea what that would lead to...


	5. The Wanna-Be Slayer - First Meeting

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

Buffy and Angel watched as the blonde literally ripped the heart out of the vampire and giggled as it turned to dust.

"Okay, major on the creepy," Buffy commented.

As soon as he placed the familiar face, Angel spoke questioningly, "Druscilla?"

The girl perked up and turned to look at them before running over and throwing her arms around Angel, "Daddy! I love you, Daddy! I'm slaying for you, I'm a good girl, aren't I, Daddy?"

Buffy took a step back and put her fists on her hips, "Something you want to tell me, Angel?"

The girl gasped, "Mommy!"

Buffy had no time to prepare before she found herself under attack by what seemed to be a handsy hybrid of human-vampire and octopus that wanted to cuddle her.

"Rephrase; _something you are going to tell me_ , _Angel_?" Buffy got out through clenched teeth over the girl's shoulder.

"Oh, boy..." Angel muttered so softly that it would have been under his breath if he were still capable of breathing.


	6. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Backstory

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

"While informative on so many levels, Angel," Buffy tapped her stake against her thigh, "That still doesn't explain why one of Angelus' Childer was calling me her 'Mommy' and _hugging me_."

"Oh, I can answer that for you both," Spike announced, stepping into the room, "You see, after Peaches here did his little disappearing act a hundred years ago, Dru got it into her head that Daddy didn't love her anymore... Now that he's pulled a bad penny and turned up again in the company of a Slayer, Dru's decided that since the Poofter's so taken with you, the best way to get back in his affections is to join in the fun. Funny, that, isn't it?"

"Yeah, you could call it 'Funny'," Buffy replied, "Not 'Funny ha-ha' or even 'Funny-peculiar', though. More like 'Funny-that fish tasted funny-oh no, I've been poisoned'."

"Me, personally, I'd prefer to go for the full hat trick on killing Slayers, but if it makes Dru happy..." Spike shrugged, "Bad things happen to people when Dru's not happy - myself included, Slayer - and I'd prefer my unlife to last a bit longer."

"And the reason I shouldn't dust you both is?"

"You're secretly finding all this amusing and a subtle revenge on Angelus there for not telling you any of it."

"It's _Angel_." the aforementioned two-hundred year old vampire snarled at Spike.

Spike snorted, "Please, like we don't bloody know the whole point of calling yourself that is so that when people say it, you forget for a moment that vampires like us are demons possessing dead bodies; angels and demons being as far apart as one can get... 'cept there's just one problem with that; like the poet wrote, demons are just angels that were forced out of heaven."

"Well, this is surprising," Buffy remarked, "You don't seem like the poetry type."

"Not what he considers poetry anyway," Spike jerked his thumb at Angel, "He reads that sappy love stuff - Browning or whatever her name is. Me, I'll stick with good old Milton and Tennyson, thank you."

"Who, like Milton Berle?"

"Slayer, I don't know if I should be surprised you know who Milton Berle is or bloody annoyed that somehow you can confuse him with John Milton; 'To reign is worth ambition' and all."

"Finish the line, Spike," Angel growled, "'To reign is worth ambition _though in Hell_ '. Interesting that you chose 'Paradise Lost', trying to compare yourself to Lucifer?"

"Better than you trying to compare yourself with Michael or Raphael," Spike retorted sharply.


	7. The Wanna-Be Slayer - A Xander Moment

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

"This keeps up," Xander muttered, "we're going to have more vampires than humans in this merry little band of Van Helsing-wannabes... That happens, I'm out of here. I'll move to Boston or some place."

-o0o-

On the other side of the country, a dark-haired teenager stopped in her tracks and frowned, wondering why all of a sudden she felt a strange sensation go down her spine.

-o0o-

Back in Sunnydale, Cordelia had heard Xander and shrugged, "I'll feel sorry for Boston if that happens."


	8. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Sarcasm

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

Giles adjusted his glasses, "To be perfectly frank, this has no precedent to my knowledge."

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Nah, I thought vamps deciding to start staking other vamps to get the attention of their sire who, oh, wait, is involved with the Slayer... that kinda thing happened every day."

"Your sarcasm is noted," Giles acknowledged.

"Glad you could tell."

"And that usage was unwarranted," the British librarian added.

"Believe me, right now whether my sarcasm is warranted or not is the least of my concerns," Buffy informed him.


	9. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Mothers' Day

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

"And I thought just having to buy Mother's Day gifts was bad..." Buffy groaned, "Then I started receiving them..."

"Heart of a demon," Giles observed, "Angelus' influence, no doubt."

"Wonder if it was anybody I know..." Buffy wrinkled her nose as she corrected herself, "I suppose that now it'd be knew..."

"Still fresh... in fact..."

"Giles, focus here, okay?"

"Yes, yes, your concern over a completely arbitrary holiday based on the recognisition of one's maternal parent completely dwarfs the fact that your gift for said holiday is currently bleeding out on my table," Giles answered, "Blood doesn't come out of wood easily, you know. Even after hundreds of years, it can still show up quite noticeably..."


	10. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Self-Interest

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

"Why don't you just stake them both and be, you know, done with it?"

"Because, Cordy," Buffy rolled her eyes, "The more of the 'terrorise the city and drink the blood of innocents, turning them into vampires to create a cycle of it all'-type vamps that _Dru_ slays, the fewer of them _I_ have to deal with myself."

"Ah, enlightened self-interest at its finest," Cordelia observed.

"I've had to develop a unique damn sense of perspective lately," Buffy snapped defensively.

"Hey, hello, last person here to say self-interest is a bad thing. I like self-interest. I think that along with matter and energy it's one of the important things that make up the universe," Cordelia reminded her.


	11. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Grandmommy

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

"You know I just had a scary thought," Willow brought up.

"What?"

"Well, Dru's Angel's vamp's Childe, right?"

"Yeah, we've gotten that part cleared up a long time ago, Wills."

"And because you're in a relationship with her 'Daddy', that makes her think of you as 'Mommy'," Willow continued.

"Get to the point, Wills," Buffy groaned.

"Does this make your mom 'Grandmommy'?"

"Oh, god," Buffy groaned again and admitted, "I don't even want to think about her reaction to that."

"Just trying to lighten the mood, Buff," Willow answered defensively.

"Epic fail, Willow - now I'm feeling worse than before about all this," Buffy groaned again, "My mom finds out about this and Spike will never get his wish to kill me, she'll beat him to it."

"It could be worse."

"Don't say that! Over the Hellmouth is definitely not the place to tempt Murphy, Wills... How?"

"She could end up 'Grandmommy' the normal way."

Buffy shot her best friend a dirty look, "You really think I couldn't convince Giles to disconnect all the computers in the library, Wills?"


	12. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Not Mostly Dead

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

Spike chuckled, "I should hate you for this, really should, maybe even eat you for it... but right now I'm just finding it all too bloody funny."

"Die laughing," Xander muttered harshly.

"Already dead, mate, part an' parcel of being a vampire," the Bloody Awful Poet retorted with amusement evident in his voice.

"You're only... no, you're not worth a 'Princess Bride' joke," Xander shook his head. "We'll go with 'obviously you're not dead enough' instead."


	13. The Wanna-Be Slayer - Choices, Choices

Summary: S2AU. After arriving in Sunnydale to find Angel with a soul and dating the slayer, Druscilla gets the idea that she can make her 'daddy' care for her again by being like them... Insanity follows.

Author's Note: I had originally intended this to be a full-sized story, but never could get it fleshed out properly. I found it while reviewing my 'put aside for later' folder and ended up deciding to simply post it as a series of scenes from an alternate universe. My apologies to anyone who is bothered by the disjointed nature of it all...

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns Buffy and all associated characters and situations, I'm merely using them for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"The Wanna-Be Slayer"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0O0o-

"Protect me from the crazy vampire girl?" Xander asked Cordelia. "For which I might even wear something besides Hawai'ian shirts for a week in your honor."

"I'm torn," 'Queen C' mused. "I could abandon you to a fate that you so richly deserve, which is good, or I could give my eyes a rest from a horrific sight, which is also good. Which one should I pick?"


	14. YAHF - Ave Imperator

Summary: YAHF/AU. In the grim darkness of Sunnydale at night, there is only war... and Xander.

Disclaimer: "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" is the property of Joss Whedon and "Warhammer 40,000" the property of Games Workshop, along with any associated characters and situations of each, respectively, and are used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit.

-o0O0o-

"Ave Imperator"  
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'

-o0o-

"Illuminate them!"  
\- Warmaster Horus Lupercal,  
'The Horus Heresy: Horus Rising', "Warhammer 40,000"

-o0O0o-

Of all the Chaos Gods, the being known as The God-Emperor of Mankind considered Khorne, Chaos God of Blood and Battle, to be the most palatable. Were it not for certain irreconcilable differences, The God-Emperor might even have considered Khorne to be the only Chaos God that was worthy of any respect. Unfortunately, respect and fairness had no place in the war for the universe and the battle for the very soul of mankind. It was that palatablity and the knowledge of how Khorne felt regarding Tzeentch, the other Chaos God's followers, and their 'sorcerous tricks' that had The God-Emperor seriously considering handing the Chaos Mage before him over to Khorne for the Blood God to do with as he pleased.

The last event which The God-Emperor could clearly remember was watching from the Golden Throne through the Immaterium as combined forces of Aeldari, Martian techpriests and even sons of Caliban still loyal to the Imperium of Man balanced the fall of Cadia with the return of his son Roboute Guilliman, Primarch of the Ultramarines, from his long stasis sleep, the defense of Ultramar and Terra, the Ultima Founding and declaration of the Indomitus Crusade... Then he was here, in this time that had long passed in this place that was no more, somewhere where and when he was not meant to be.

It was not right that he was here; last time it had been a soldier's spirit that had settled upon the one he was before, it should have been again - not the memories and power of The God-Emperor from ages yet to come. The God-Emperor could only conclude that because the Warp was all places and all times at the same place and same time - hence the temporal pecularities with Warp travel - somehow the events that he had been witnessing had overlapped with the Chaos Mage's actions this night and had caused this change in matters, had brought the mind and soul of The God-Emperor to the body of Alexander Harris, the man - boy - he had once been before his eyes had been opened. Not even his beloved friend Malcador - gone for ten-thousand years since he had volunteered to hold the Golden Throne, a deed that would cost Malcador his life when the ancient machine had burned through his life's energies, while The Emperor, for at the time he had not yet elevated to godhood by the Ecclesiarchy against his wish to free humanity from the shackles of religions, confronted his treacherous son Horus - knew him by that name and knew of that part of The God-Emperor's past.

'Xander' Harris had done what none had thought possible, he had changed destiny by breaking a prophecy from the Purgamum Codex. What no one had known, what even he wouldn't know for years afterwards, was that it came with a cost. In keeping prophecy from claiming the Slayer's life, he had defied death; in defying death, he was cursed never to feel its true embrace. He became one of those few cursed to know immortality. Unlike others, though - others until he had met Malcador, who had been similarly cursed - he had not cowered or retreated; as he had so many times before, he met the situation head-on in the manner that would lead to him one day becoming The Emperor of Mankind.

If there was any good side to the current situation, it was that The Emperor had never liked having to merely imbue certain persons with fragments of his power instead of being able to handle situations himself. And quite frankly, the last time he could remember being this full-on pissed off at someone had been Vandire - and Lorgar before him, which was telling of exactly how often it happened - and right now there was no Golden Throne entombment keeping him from holding Ethan Rayne at swordpoint himself. It was only too bad that it was not his own sword which he had forged himself before the Unification of Terra began, merely one that had been in the Chaos Mage's shop with which The Emperor had armed himself.

"Foolish Chaos worshipper, you have no idea what you have done, do you?" The Emperor all-but snarled at Ethan. "You thought to unleash a Primordial tide and you instead brought forth the future... a future you won't live to see because the daemons to which you have sold your soul will be rending it apart for the rest of eternity."

"Who... who are you?"

"I am He who has been called Saviour and Emperor, Light and Soul, Uniter and... Zeppo..." The Emperor answered mockingly as he slowly raised his sword up in preparation for the killing blow. "Ask your daemonic masters who I am while they ravage your soul for eternity in the Warp and know that you have helped bring about that which they sought to prevent..."

The Emperor took in a deep breath as he glared down at the cowering sorceror. Without another word, he brought the sword down and severed Ethan's head from the Chaos Mage's body. There was a moment's surprise as the spell didn't come to an end, then he realised that it must have been bound to something as an anchor to continue after the caster's death as it was doing. Reaching out with his psychic powers, The Emperor looked into the Immaterium and saw a series of ripples that he followed to their source; a small bust of an ancient god.

Janus, if he remembered correctly.

Without hesitation, The Emperor smashed the Janus bust with his free fist. A smokey bird-like figure appeared in the shards, but hecut through it with the sword causing it to fade away with a scream.

 _'A daemonic foci,'_ The Emperor was unsurprised. They were dangerous in the hands of the unaware, even more so when possessed by one such as Ethan Rayne who knew full-well what they were.

Closing his eyes, The Emperor stood there and waited for the spell to come to its end. At first it was as though he were being pulled apart. Then, suddenly, almost like the snapping of an over-stretched elastic band, the sensation was gone... but he remained. The spell had ended, but his presence had not. Perhaps because his essence had not come from one of the Chaos mage's costumes; he wasn't a foreign energy, he was his own future.

"The Anathema," the daemon hissed hatefully at the sight of Xander.

"I'm so glad you remember me," Xander mocked. "Now... which one were you again? I've banished and obliterated so many of your kind over the millenia, I just don't know you by sight anymore."

-o0O0o-

"Got to admit, when it comes to giving a girl jewelry at least you're more creative than some cheesy ring or bracelet," Faith remarked, holding the Rosette up by its chain and watching as the light hit it.

"Unfortunately, there's no one it lets you give orders to at the moment."

"But when there is, I'll already have it. That's cool."

-o0O0o-

Xander grimaced at the sight of Kakistos; the vampire was uglier than some Great Unclean Ones of whom he was aware. At least he lacked that disturbingly over-friendly attitude they had; unfortunately, Wilkins had plenty of that, even if he was pledged to Chaos Undivided and not Nurgle alone.

-o0O0o-

"What's an Ascension?"

"Ascension; when a 'Champion' takes the final step into full Daemonhood, usually involving a sacrifice to their patron power," Alexander scoffed at the surprised looks he recieved from the 'Buffy Bunch', "Know your enemy, people. So, Giles, he ascends, does that mean 'Richard Wilkins' becomes this 'Orvalkin's True Name and, if so, can we use that against him?"

-o0O0o-

"The 'Emperor of Mankind'... or would you prefer 'Xander'?"

"The 'First Evil'. Or would you prefer 'Drach'yen'?" The Emperor asked as he calmly confronted his oldest enemy. Mockingly, he added, "Last I heard, you were bound in a sword."

"I am everywhere and everywhen at once, I am bound in no way."

"I'll have to fix that. And by that I meant destroy you once and for all."

-o0O0o-

It was ironic, really. She'd never know it, but Walsh had effectively been the spiritual 'mother' of the Astartes. When he had needed genetically altered super-soldiers, his 'Thunder Warriors', he had found the remains of her research and experiments on the Inititive soldiers. When he began working on the Primarchs and their respective legions, he had used the information gathered during the creation of ADAM in the process. She had died, killed by her own creation, but what she had started would one day become an important part of the Imperium of Man.


End file.
